We have been matched with a precious baby GIRL!!!! I have yet to blog about the actual
process post matching, but felt like the “political correctness” to adoption is
a topic I needed to tackle now. I know we have all seen various compilations of
topics to refrain from while speaking to adoptive families, and here’s my shot
at it. Are any of the items new???
No, but they obviously need to stay on the discussion table, because some
haven’t received the memo. This
blog post may seem snarky, and it is.
I don’t believe solely having the informative approach is cutting it. So here goes some good ole fashioned sarcasm, and mixed with a genuine hope that the
reader will walk away with a better understanding of adopting parents.
1. "Can’t you have your OWN children?”
This is a question that I’m faced with often. It’s like the go-to question the moment
our adoption is brought up in conversation. The question spews out of individuals from all education
levels and all socioeconomic statuses. It really gets down to the point, unless
you know about adoption on a personal level, then you just don’t realize to not ask this question. I once
heard Oprah say, “ You do better, when you know better.” So I think folks just don’t know
better. Here’s the down and
dirty about this question: IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. The status of my eggs dropping from my
ovaries and Nick’s sperm’s flagella whipping around correctly is NONE of your
concern. Also, Sarah is OUR OWN
child. She is not our biological
child, but she is our very own daughter.
Infertility is not a prerequisite for adoption. I know several families that chose
adoption because God was calling them to fulfill this biblical command. Christ tells us to look after the
widows and the orphans. I say
this, but want to add for those considering adoption, DO NOT take on adoption
if you are wanting to “Save the Orphans”.
Adoptive children are not like the puppies at the pound. Adopt because you want to expand your
family.
Back to my point, infertility is a harsh reality for many
adoptive parents. If infertility
is a factor, I promise you that the adoptive couple is stronger than you could ever imagine. For me, and so many
others, endometriosis is a part of my story. I have grown to a point in my faith that I praise God for
giving me this condition. If I
were able to manipulate life to my own timeline, and not God’s timeline, I
would never have my sweet Sarah. Believe me, I look at pictures of my baby girl and there is
no doubt that God had her picked out for me from the moment of my first breath.
Before closing on this topic, when
you ask this probing and wildly inappropriate question, you could be opening up
a can of worms that is very hurtful.
I have been asked this question to the point it makes me want to vomit. Shortly after beginning our adoption process, I had one situation where I
excused myself from the conversation to shed a few tears. Even though I am at peace with infertility, the healing
process created a few scars, and scars can still produce pain at times.
If you are reading this while thinking, “I have a friend’s,
sister’s, boss that got pregnant after she adopted, so God will bless Julia.” Let me tell you, God
has already blessed me with Sarah. The statistics for infertility do not change
once one adopts. More than likely,
the stars aren’t going to align for my ovaries, so please STOP saying that I am
going to get pregnant once the adoption is completed.
2."How much did your baby cost?”
Children are not fur coats, so please stop putting a dollar
sign over their heads. Next time
someone asks this idiotic question I’m replying with, “I sure hope you didn’t
pay a whole lot for your kid, because it’s not looking like a promising return
on investment.” Also, please don’t
compare our adoption to anything that suggests we ordered a child via a
catalogue and Fedex will be delivering her. I entertained the cost inquiries before we were matched with
Sarah, but now that I have a child to protect, I see it very wrong to ask the PRICE
of Sarah. Even if adoption costs
were 5 times more, God will make a way for our baby to come home. By the way, Sarah is a PRICELESS gift
from God; therefore, she doesn’t have a price tag. In short, adoption is expensive. So much so that Nick and I held two fundraisers, and took out a personal loan. Nick and I put our trust into Christ from the beginning. The financing of the adoption was the
main barrier to expanding our family. However, we knew that all would be
provided for if we decided to take that leap and begin to fill out adoption
forms. Let me say it, we have been provided
for.
3."What are we, the fairy godparents?"
I realize for some the lingo for adoption isn’t fully established. It has become clear
that some confuse Sarah’s biological parents for her “true” parents… So this
leaves me with the question, What are Nick and I to Sarah, her fairy
godparents?? Sarah has birth parents, for which she was their biological
child. Due to circumstances, the
birth parents wanted more for their biological child, and chose to place little
Sarah up for adoption. So through
this tough and tragic decision made by two young adults, Nick and I are allowed
to be Sarah’s parents. This
demonstrates the miracle of adoption. The biological parents will always be appreciated and
praised, but Nick and I are the father and mother to this baby. The scared biological mother could have
easily chosen abortion instead of giving life to Sarah, because abortions are an
easy $200. The birth mother and father did the most divine inspired human
action that is the pinnacle of selflessness and love. If I could find the biological parents to share my appreciation,
I would. I'm not sure if I
will ever be able to wrap my arms around Sarah’s biological mother to hug and
thank her, but I hope her heart is somehow being provided comfort.
4."It’s going to be a hard for the baby to get use to being here” & “Oh, you just wait.”
The two above statements are both unneeded. The statements are also annoying for
those expecting or trying to conceive natural children. You see, adoption means
there’s a lot of wait time. Our
child is planned, wanted and waited for.
Adoptive parents are generally really prepared for their child because
of the long wait time, and are SEEDED with worry. Your little tidbit of a statement is
really fueling worry & doubt for the adopting parents. I see that the advisor is trying to prepare the
parents-to-be, but let’s do it in a way that doesn’t reflect parenting in a
negative light. I’m worried
about Sarah’s sleep schedule, Sarah's ability to bond with us, the dogs’ adjustment to the new
human, and the list can continue on.
If you have a book that would be a good read, please share it with us. However, stating, “It’s going to be a hard for the baby...” or “Oh, you just wait," are not helpful comments. These are non-profound
conversation fillers that leave me with elevated vital signs and no more
prepared to care for a baby. I
realize there is much to learn when it comes to being a mother and father, and
most of it is on the job training. We will be fine.
5."When are you getting the baby” or “Any news on the baby?”
This might be my most frequent question right now, and it's harmless. The inquirer
isn’t trying to hurt feelings, and I try to approach the situation by providing
information about the adoption process.
You can kind of see some parallels between adoption and pregnancy, but
the major difference is that WE DO NOT KNOW WHEN OUR CHILD IS COMING HOME. We can compare our adoption timeline to
other adoption timelines and this can give some sense of when to expect to
receive a travel call to Korea.
Every adoption is different. Some children have come home as quick as
5-6 months after being matched to a family, while others took 12 months. To answer the question, we honestly
don’t know when Sarah is coming home. So after
I explain the unknowns of adoption, please don't be the questioner that asks, “Why can’t you
just go over there? I don’t understand why it takes so long.” The answer is, adoption takes a long
time and if I go over there right now, I would be kidnapping Sarah. Paperwork has to be
translated & exit paperwork has to be prepared. Visas & passports have
to prepared. The Korean judges can go at their own pace in their own court
system. Finally, things have a tendency to get backed up over there. Adoptive parents want their travel call
to be tomorrow, but that’s impossible. Adopters don’t need to be reminded of
their waiting circumstance daily. Also,
please don’t remind me of how sad our situation is, because we are missing out
on so much. Yes, people actually
say this... We have our entire
lives to be with Sarah, and watch her grow. We want her home now, but we have to
wait. If we dwell on what we are missing with Sarah, we wouldn’t be able to
function.
We are 6 weeks post being matched with Sarah. We know we are several months away from
getting her home. As time goes by, please focus on things that are in our
control. Better questions to ask
would be, “How’s the nursery coming along?” or “ Have you done the registry?”
or “Have you picked out the car seat?
6."She is sure blessed/lucky to call you her parents.”
We don’t want Sarah growing up thinking she was some
hopeless orphan and should be happy in life because the Dobsons rescued
her. Think about the
psychological impact this thought process could make. She might grow up thinking she could never re-pay us, or show
enough gratitude to us. Even more damaging, she could believe she is not
worthy to be in our family. We
will raise Sarah to know God’s blessings. She will also know how blessed we are
to have her as our daughter.
 |
| Gender reveal party picture, October 31st, 2014 |
If I sat long enough, I could come up with 3 more pages of
rants, but I feel like these 6 points highlight my emotions at this stage in
the adoption process. No one person
spurred each topic; I’ve had at least 12 people to utilize as examples for
each point made. Nick and I are still figuring out (probably a lifelong
process) the best response to each situation. We want to provide a good example
for Sarah to build from for when she will have to answer tough questions about
adoption on her own.
For
He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in
His sight. In love He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus
Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will – to the praise of His
glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves. Ephesians
1:4-6
