Hate to be politically correct, but seriously…..

We have been matched with a precious baby GIRL!!!!  I have yet to blog about the actual process post matching, but felt like the “political correctness” to adoption is a topic I needed to tackle now. I know we have all seen various compilations of topics to refrain from while speaking to adoptive families, and here’s my shot at it.  Are any of the items new??? No, but they obviously need to stay on the discussion table, because some haven’t received the memo.  This blog post may seem snarky, and it is.  I don’t believe solely having the informative approach is cutting it. So here goes some good ole fashioned sarcasm, and mixed with a genuine hope that the reader will walk away with a better understanding of adopting parents.

   1. "Can’t you have your OWN children?”

This is a question that I’m faced with often.  It’s like the go-to question the moment our adoption is brought up in conversation.  The question spews out of individuals from all education levels and all socioeconomic statuses. It really gets down to the point, unless you know about adoption on a personal level, then you just don’t realize to not ask this question.  I once heard Oprah say, “ You do better, when you know better.”  So I think folks just don’t know better.   Here’s the down and dirty about this question: IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.  The status of my eggs dropping from my ovaries and Nick’s sperm’s flagella whipping around correctly is NONE of your concern.  Also, Sarah is OUR OWN child.  She is not our biological child, but she is our very own daughter.

Infertility is not a prerequisite for adoption.  I know several families that chose adoption because God was calling them to fulfill this biblical command.  Christ tells us to look after the widows and the orphans.  I say this, but want to add for those considering adoption, DO NOT take on adoption if you are wanting to “Save the Orphans”.  Adoptive children are not like the puppies at the pound.  Adopt because you want to expand your family.

Back to my point, infertility is a harsh reality for many adoptive parents.  If infertility is a factor, I promise you that the adoptive couple is stronger than you could ever imagine.  For me, and so many others, endometriosis is a part of my story.  I have grown to a point in my faith that I praise God for giving me this condition.  If I were able to manipulate life to my own timeline, and not God’s timeline, I would never have my sweet Sarah.  Believe me, I look at pictures of my baby girl and there is no doubt that God had her picked out for me from the moment of my first breath.  Before closing on this topic, when you ask this probing and wildly inappropriate question, you could be opening up a can of worms that is very hurtful.  I have been asked this question to the point it makes me want to vomit. Shortly after beginning our adoption process, I had one situation where I excused myself from the conversation to shed a few tears.  Even though I am at peace with infertility, the healing process created a few scars, and scars can still produce pain at times.

If you are reading this while thinking, “I have a friend’s, sister’s, boss that got pregnant after she adopted, so God will bless Julia.”  Let me tell you, God has already blessed me with Sarah. The statistics for infertility do not change once one adopts.  More than likely, the stars aren’t going to align for my ovaries, so please STOP saying that I am going to get pregnant once the adoption is completed. 

   2."How much did your baby cost?”

Children are not fur coats, so please stop putting a dollar sign over their heads.  Next time someone asks this idiotic question I’m replying with, “I sure hope you didn’t pay a whole lot for your kid, because it’s not looking like a promising return on investment.”  Also, please don’t compare our adoption to anything that suggests we ordered a child via a catalogue and Fedex will be delivering her. I entertained the cost inquiries before we were matched with Sarah, but now that I have a child to protect, I see it very wrong to ask the PRICE of Sarah.  Even if adoption costs were 5 times more, God will make a way for our baby to come home. By the way, Sarah is a PRICELESS gift from God; therefore, she doesn’t have a price tag.  In short, adoption is expensive.  So much so that Nick and I held two fundraisers, and took out a personal loan. Nick and I put our trust into Christ from the beginning.  The financing of the adoption was the main barrier to expanding our family. However, we knew that all would be provided for if we decided to take that leap and begin to fill out adoption forms.  Let me say it, we have been provided for.

    3."What are we, the fairy godparents?"

I realize for some the lingo for adoption isn’t fully established.  It has become clear that some confuse Sarah’s biological parents for her “true” parents… So this leaves me with the question, What are Nick and I to Sarah, her fairy godparents?? Sarah has birth parents, for which she was their biological child.  Due to circumstances, the birth parents wanted more for their biological child, and chose to place little Sarah up for adoption.  So through this tough and tragic decision made by two young adults, Nick and I are allowed to be Sarah’s parents.  This demonstrates the miracle of adoption.  The biological parents will always be appreciated and praised, but Nick and I are the father and mother to this baby.  The scared biological mother could have easily chosen abortion instead of giving life to Sarah, because abortions are an easy $200. The birth mother and father did the most divine inspired human action that is the pinnacle of selflessness and love.  If I could find the biological parents to share my appreciation, I would.  I'm not sure if I will ever be able to wrap my arms around Sarah’s biological mother to hug and thank her, but I hope her heart is somehow being provided comfort.

   4."It’s going to be a hard for the baby to get use to being here” &  “Oh, you just wait.”

The two above statements are both unneeded.  The statements are also annoying for those expecting or trying to conceive natural children. You see, adoption means there’s a lot of wait time.  Our child is planned, wanted and waited for.  Adoptive parents are generally really prepared for their child because of the long wait time, and are SEEDED with worry.  Your little tidbit of a statement is really fueling worry & doubt for the adopting parents.  I see that the advisor is trying to prepare the parents-to-be, but let’s do it in a way that doesn’t reflect parenting in a negative light.  I’m worried about Sarah’s sleep schedule, Sarah's ability to bond with us, the dogs’ adjustment to the new human, and the list can continue on.  If you have a book that would be a good read, please share it with us.  However, stating, “It’s going to be a hard for the baby...” or “Oh, you just wait," are not helpful comments.   These are non-profound conversation fillers that leave me with elevated vital signs and no more prepared to care for a baby.  I realize there is much to learn when it comes to being a mother and father, and most of it is on the job training. We will be fine.

    5."When are you getting the baby” or  “Any news on the baby?”

This might be my most frequent question right now, and it's harmless.  The inquirer isn’t trying to hurt feelings, and I try to approach the situation by providing information about the adoption process.  You can kind of see some parallels between adoption and pregnancy, but the major difference is that WE DO NOT KNOW WHEN OUR CHILD IS COMING HOME.  We can compare our adoption timeline to other adoption timelines and this can give some sense of when to expect to receive a travel call to Korea.  Every adoption is different. Some children have come home as quick as 5-6 months after being matched to a family, while others took 12 months.  To answer the question, we honestly don’t know when Sarah is coming home. So after I explain the unknowns of adoption, please don't be the questioner that asks, “Why can’t you just go over there? I don’t understand why it takes so long.”  The answer is, adoption takes a long time and if I go over there right now, I would be kidnapping Sarah. Paperwork has to be translated & exit paperwork has to be prepared. Visas & passports have to prepared. The Korean judges can go at their own pace in their own court system. Finally, things have a tendency to get backed up over there.  Adoptive parents want their travel call to be tomorrow, but that’s impossible. Adopters don’t need to be reminded of their waiting  circumstance daily.  Also, please don’t remind me of how sad our situation is, because we are missing out on so much. Yes, people actually say this...  We have our entire lives to be with Sarah, and watch her grow. We want her home now, but we have to wait. If we dwell on what we are missing with Sarah, we wouldn’t be able to function. 

We are 6 weeks post being matched with Sarah.  We know we are several months away from getting her home. As time goes by, please focus on things that are in our control.  Better questions to ask would be, “How’s the nursery coming along?” or “ Have you done the registry?” or “Have you picked out the car seat?

    6."She is sure blessed/lucky to call you her parents.”

We don’t want Sarah growing up thinking she was some hopeless orphan and should be happy in life because the Dobsons rescued her.   Think about the psychological impact this thought process could make.  She might grow up thinking she could never re-pay us, or show enough gratitude to us. Even more damaging, she could believe she is not worthy to be in our family.  We will raise Sarah to know God’s blessings. She will also know how blessed we are to have her as our daughter.

Gender reveal party picture, October 31st, 2014

If I sat long enough, I could come up with 3 more pages of rants, but I feel like these 6 points highlight my emotions at this stage in the adoption process. No one person spurred each topic; I’ve had at least 12 people to utilize as examples for each point made. Nick and I are still figuring out (probably a lifelong process) the best response to each situation. We want to provide a good example for Sarah to build from for when she will have to answer tough questions about adoption on her own. 

For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will – to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves. Ephesians 1:4-6

Actively Waiting

I suppose I left everyone in a cliffhanger from the June post explaining the adoption process.  At that time, we were waiting for the second home study visit.   Our second visit was completed in July, so I think I’m a really bad blogger.  To recap, the first visit is really to introduce yourself to the caseworker and he/she will prepare you for what will happen during the second visit.  Adoption tip number 1: IF YOU ARE IN THE ADOPTION PROCESS, DON’T WAIT TO SCHEDULE YOUR HOME STUDY. For some reason, I was under the impression that you had to complete the entire checklist before contacting the agency for the visits, so we were really slow moving in the beginning.  What really happens, start working on the packet of info the agency gives you, schedule the 1^st visit with the caseworker, and then by the 2^nd visit, have all the paperwork complete.  Although this misunderstanding held us back a couple of weeks, to be honest we couldn’t go any faster.  Between Nick being on military trips and dental boards for me, we probably went as fast as we could.  So this leads me to adoption tip number 2:  GO AT YOUR OWN PACE.  I joined a couple Facebook adoption groups.  I have made friends through Facebook and I love the adoption support system.  But, if you allow it, the constant updates and the sense of rushing through the adoption process can be very overwhelming.  Nick had to constantly remind as we were filing out the mound of paperwork, we are to enjoy this process and work as a team.  Several arguments (mainly because I had this desire to be “Adoption Superwoman”) occurred, and I Praise the Lord, I realized Nick is way better at doing the paperwork than I am.  I then vowed not to become a “Crazy Adopting Mother”.

So during the 2^nd home study visit, we were interviewed by the caseworker.  The questions were probing, but we were properly prepped for them.  We turned in the remaining paperwork, and she did the infamous walk-through of the house.  Nick and I cleaned our house to the point I could prepare food on my hardwood floors.  Things were clean.  Even our dogs felt guilty when their fur-clumps shed to the ground.  To my disappointment, the walk-through only meant counting the rooms of the house & making sure we had a fire extinguisher on every level.  Adoption tip number 3: DON’T DRIVE YOUR HUSBAND CRAZY ABOUT CLEANING THE HOUSE FOR THE HOMESTUDY WALK-THROUGH.  In short, if the caseworker is willing to use your bathroom, then you passed the cleaning inspection. 

After the visit, we were expecting to be done with our part, but we were just way too hopeful.  It turns out,  we still owed $890 to the United States Customs & Immigration Services (USCIS).  We took a big swallow, filled out the USCIS I600 A application and paid the money.  So there’s an entire adoption language that can be frustrating, I600 A is the application for the Advanced Processing of Orphan Petitioning.  Also, we still needed to complete the 10 hours of adoption learning credits. The education program is through Adoption Learning Partners, and you can choose what you want to learn about; however, your placing agency (ours is Americans for International Aid and Adoption and this is the agency that will do all the work within Korea) will tell you what they like for you to learn.  In my naivety, I didn’t think there would be a price tag to these mandatory adoption education credits. Adoption tip number 4:  EVERYTHING WITH ADOPTION COST MONEY.  The education credits set us back $131.  The price wasn’t as painful as actually completing the lessons.  Lets put it this way, I had more fun learning about root canals than completing the education credits.   Since we are on the topic of money, once the home study was complete, we owed our local agency (Adoption Assistance, INC) $1,700 for a processing fee.  Also, we owed AIAA (the placing agency that works within Korea) $500 for a formal application fee AND $3,000 for a Program fee.  In short, have a little in the savings account early on in the adoption process… I guess this is TIP number 5.  Once Korea matches us with a baby, we will then owe AIAA the full shebang, $28,000. 

This is the perfect segue into, MATCHING.  At this point, Nick and I have done absolutely everything on our end.  We even got the letter back from USCIS and we went down to the immigrations office and advanced petitioned for our unknown orphan.  This means they took fingerprints again.  I have had my fingerprints taken so many times, I could draw my digits for Korea.   Now we are waiting for Korea to determine who our little one will be and when this happens, we will be officially MATCHED.   The local agency ( Adoption Assistance) said for us to expect a “quick” match.  They are expecting Korea to like us, because they included my Korean heritage in the profile.  I knew my unusual love for Kimchi would help me out in life, I just had no idea it would help me with getting a baby!!!  All this being said, the last conversation with AIAA (the placing agency), I was told international adoptions can take 6 months on average for matching.  Finding out it really can take 6 months was a little heart breaking.  I’m counting on you guys to lift us up in prayer, and that my heart can handle however long the wait may be.   We know our child is born, we do not know who he is and we really don’t even know if the little human is even a HE.   I so look forward to the email that says we have been matched, and shows us a picture of Matthew or Sarah.   A common question is, do we get a say in who they match us with?  YES.  They give us a profile of a baby and depending on the medical needs, we decide if we are able to accept the referral of the child.  Several months ago we had to complete a Medical Needs Check List.   This was a very difficult thing for us to do.  We had to objectively say what child we were willing to parent.  Luckily, I am surrounded by dentists, so I went up to the pediatric department and one of my professors helped me with the list.  Nick and I needed a third person that didn’t have their hearts invested in becoming a parent to guide us.  When we get matched, or receive the referral for our child, we will then consult a pediatric physician.  The pediatrician can further determine the health of future baby Dobson, or we like to call the little human, Sweet Baby Korea.

So this leads me to the point of the blog post. WE ARE ACTIVELY WAITING.  Adoption tip number 6: FIGURE OUT WHAT ACTIVELY WAITING MEANS TO YOU.  That “Crazy Adopting Mother” I vowed not to become in paragraph 1, I might be becoming her.  I added Korea’s weather on the Weather Channel App on my phone, so I know what temperature my baby is experiencing…..Nick doesn’t know I did this.  Today, I checked my email 15 times, at least, waiting to get an email from AIAA saying they found Sweet Baby Korea.   Then to top off my fourth week of waiting for a match, the story of the gorilla, rejected by her primate mother but adopted by humans, has been all over the news.  I cried like a crazy adopting mother when I saw this orphan gorilla, and then contemplated: if Korea found us a gorilla, I would probably accept that ape and love it forever. 

What does actively waiting mean to me?  I mean,  we are trying to continue on with our lives as the Lord is working on finding me a human baby.  More than likely, Nick won’t go for Kamina, the orphaned gorilla, so I have to wait on God & Korea to find me an orphan of the human variety.  Therefore, Nick and I are actively waiting by staying busy with fundraising.  Our last big fundraiser is a 5K run/walk at Cherokee Park on October 18^th (8-11am).  This is for all fitness levels and you can register on active.com (race page: Adoption Assistance 5K run/walk).  And yes, I just used my blog post as a plug-in for the 5k…..We REALLY need participants.  Everyone is going to walk away knowing more about adoption & orphan care and every dollar raised is one less dollar on our dreaded adoption loan.  

I also joined a bible study designed for moms.  I feel somewhat weird being apart of the study, since I can only talk about mothering my two dogs. However, I am really learning a lot from this awesome group of ladies.  I started calling our group the “Spice Girls”.  The other ladies actually don’t refer to themselves as the mid-90’s British pop group, I am the only one that does that.  Any way, me & the Spice Girls meet up once a week, and I am so very appreciative of their insight.  By the grace of God, there is a member that is an adoptive mother and doesn’t have biological children.  I held back the tears when the adoptive momma introduced herself.  God listened to my prayer of needing guidance for motherhood.  Daily, I lack confidence in how I will handle this new chapter of my life.  What if this child doesn’t bond to me?  What if the baby is filled with resentment, rejection, or simply doesn’t ever sleep, because he/she is raging on Korean time and not Eastern Standard Time????  I love hearing stories from mothers with biological children, but the testimony from this adoptive mom is what I need to hear right now.   Therefore, I am actively waiting by being a part of a bible study that will help me prepare for my baby gorilla….  OOPS!!! I mean, my baby human!!!!!

 I continue to close with prayer requests on these blog posts.  Pray that our hearts continue to know that the Lord will provide for all of our needs.  He will provide for our need to know who our baby is on His time schedule.  We need prayer for The Lord to provide all the comfort our baby needs as he/she is separated thousands of miles from loving parents that can’t wait to take that trip to Korea.  We simply need prayers for waiting hearts.  We have entered a difficult stage of adoption, the part where all we can do is wait.  Psalm 27:14 Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

At the Adoption Raffle on Sept 6th, 2014

Kamina, the orphaned gorilla

Don’t we have babies here in America?

Picture of my siblings & Korean grand mother on vacation in Destin, Florida (June 2013)

It has been my experience, once I state that Nick and I are in the process of adopting, the second question most often asked is, “Where are you adopting from? “  It’s like a 50/50 shot for our questioners as to whether we are adopting from the states or from abroad.  All have not seemed to care if the adoption is domestic or international, but truly interested in the process and very encouraging.  I suppose, I get off fairly easy when I respond with Korea.  My mother is part Japanese and my father is part Korean, so I think people assume that I’m making some sort cultural connection by adopting a child from Korea.  There is some truth to this. I look forward to bringing my little human to my dad’s house, where my siblings and I eat kimchi & bulgogi and listen to my dad’s stories of growing up on Korea.   I look forward to learning more about my own Korean heritage in the process of trying to preserve my baby’s awareness of his ethnic roots.  I do plan to keep future baby Dobson’s Korean (given) name as a middle name.  As with all of my future children, keeping their ethnic identity is very important to me.   But, this doesn’t tell the whole story of why we chose Korea.  This blog post is only speaking from my personal experience.  I have not done any research on specific numbers, but I’m speaking from events that have occurred while on this wild ride called ADOPTION. 

So, why not adopt an American child?  Don’t we have enough orphans in America???? 

Yes and Yes to both questions.

Nick and I plan on adopting more children.  For us, adoption has been a way to become parents due to reproductive issues out of our control.   Therefore, eventually we will be adopting a little one domestically.  I frequently joke by saying, “I want a rainbow of children.”  But really, wouldn’t that be cool???  I envision all different shades of brown sitting around my dinner table. All of them loving one another as true siblings, and all calling me “Momma”.  Sounds like heaven to me!   OK, I’ll throw a statistic at ya that I got from attending an Orphan Care Alliance seminar last winter: there’s 7,000 kids in Kentucky alone that need adopting or foster care.  The need is there, I hear it, and I plan on answering that call in my lifetime. However, we chose an international adoption at first, because I am not sure if my heart could handle a domestic adoption or foster care right now, and here are my examples. 

First example involves my friend that was struggling with her own reproductive disappointments.  She was the one to grab my heart and fill it with the hope of adoption.  Before our convicting lunch together, I was always interested in adoption, but didn’t see it as a reality.  When she confidently declared her path to parenthood was adoption, I saw this lightness that came across her.  I saw how she was no longer empty, no longer longing, no longer wondering if God had forgotten her.  Adoption was freedom for her, and it eventually became all of these things for me.   The couple in my example chose to adopt domestically.  They wanted a Caucasian baby that was drug/alcohol free.  Now, before we begin to get upset over racial preferences, it is important to consider it and be fully honest with oneself.  Everyone’s family vision is different, and I respect everyone’s desires.  I happen to be a person that if a purple child was calling me “momma”, my heart would melt and I would love that little purple baby to the fullest. So back to the story, this couple did ALL the paperwork and waited, and waited and waited almost 2 years for their turn at the domestic matching game.  In the US, adoptive couples wanting an infant will put together a portfolio with pictures and things about themselves, and then a birth mom can choose you.  You then will hopefully be there the day your baby is born.  While my friend was waiting, several birth situations occurred, but every single one of them failed.  With every single failed birth situation, her heart broke even more.  By the end of her adoption experience, the couple open their hearts to babies outside of the Caucasian race, but still knew they wouldn’t be able care for a baby being treated for drug addiction or fetal alcohol syndrome.  From my friend’s experience, I got the assumption that there’s a good number of babies being carried by biological mothers that are drug abusers.  I would like to end this example on a happy note…. This couple’s journey was not meant to include adoption for their first child. After years of disappointment, the couple received their first baby, which was conceived the good ole fashioned way-SEX!! I could not be more thrilled for them!! I do appreciate her having an adoption experience, because it was this friend that lead me to this awesome journey.  If this particular friend is reading this and can deduce that I’m talking about you, I say with tears streaming down my face, Thank you! Thank you for showing me adoption. I have never been more at peace and full of excitement. With seeing this experience, I choose Korea for my first child.

To piggy-back on the topic of American birth moms being drug addicts, I have been told by my caseworker that the majority of adoption situations do not include drug abuse.  In fact, if you look at the numbers, they support my caseworker’s claim.  At our first home study the topic was raised, and we were told the majority demographic of birth moms were white females, non-drug users, in mid-to-late twenties, and usually had other biological children.  Usually the scenario includes the biological mother being in an economic hardship and simply wanted to provide more stability for the child being born.  As you can imagine, a birth mom loves her baby very much to be able to make this very brave  & difficult decision. Nonetheless, the odds of having a baby test positive for opioids (biological mom was on heroin) are higher in the US than in Korea.   My next example to support my thoughts involves my second home study visit with our caseworker.  To give background on caseworkers (mine in particular), they are spastic people.  Very nice people with huge hearts, but at least 10 things are going on around them at any one time.  My personal caseworker deals mainly with the birth moms, so her cell phone is constantly buzzing and she is continually answering the needs of several different pregnant women all of whom are in high stress situations.  So as Nick and I are trying to answer the caseworker’s very probing questions,  text messages, emails,  & phone calls would interrupt , and our caseworker would have to pause us.  Don’t get me wrong though, I welcomed the interruptions. These questions were tough and I needed to stall on a few!  One of the messages that came through the vibrating cell phone was to tell the caseworker that one of the birth moms had just given birth to a baby that tested positive for opioids.  Therefore, that little baby would need methadone treatment and was basically born addicted to heroin.   Instead of being shocked by this, the caseworker exclaimed, “I KNEW IT, I JUST KNEW IT.”  She elaborated and explained, the best indication of if a birth mom is addicted to drugs is prenatal care.  Usually if the birth mom is hopped up on drugs, she will not seek care while pregnant for fear of the drug use being caught.  What a sad situation.  That poor baby will fight for its life, and the adoptive parents are now facing unknown territory…The medical field is still trying to predict the outcome of a baby that just spent 9 months developing within a heroin addict.  They don’t know the odds of whether a child can develop normal or will be deemed special needs for the remainder of his life.

Korean babies do not come without their own risks, but the statistics are much less for Korean biological mom’s abusing hard drugs.  To provide full honesty, the culture has changed in Korea, and adoptive parents, by agreement, must be accepting of children born from mothers that smoked cigarettes and drank moderate levels of alcohol during pregnancy.  I know this sounds confusing, but Korea as a country has developed this mandatory rule for American adoptive parents. That being said, most of the babies adopted from Korea are showing little-to-no signs of drug/alcohol dependence.   Of the families adopting from my adoption agency, all of the Korean children have come home as happy, completely healthy, beautiful toddlers.  My point, my heart could not bear saying no to a child fighting for his life because the biological mother couldn’t keep herself off drugs. But, at the same time, my life as it is now (I’m a dental school student married to an Air Force pilot that leaves all the time), could not handle caring for a child addicted to drugs and fighting for his life.  I wouldn’t be the best match for that baby .  Therefore, I choose Korea for my first child.

My last example as to why I chose an international adoption involves a friend who has a relative that adopted.  First let me explain, I always thought the biggest risk to domestic adoption was that the biological family could come back and legally take your baby. In actuality, I don’t think this occurs and if it does it’s really rare, and shouldn’t hold anyone back from adopting domestically.   However, a more realistic issue is the birth dad and his rights, so this leads me back to my example….  This example’s adoptive family was matched with a mom that was to give birth in several months.  The adoptive family began to prepare for the baby in a short amount of time, and was excited for their arriving baby.  The call came in. The biological mother was in labor and the adoptive parents were hospital bound. Instead of receiving their bundle of joy that day, they received the news that the biological father still needed to sign documents, but he wasn’t responding to phone calls.  Therefore, the little baby could not legally  go home with his adoptive parents, but had to go into foster care for the first 30 days of his life, AND the adoptive parents couldn’t have contact with the baby.  What disappointment.  I know I’m probably leaving out some detail to this 6^th degree story, but this was the outcome: the baby didn’t go home with his parents.  My heart wouldn’t be able to handle this.  With Korean adoptions, once you jump through every unreasonable hoop thrown at you by your adoption agency, the placing agency and the country of Korea, you FOR SURE take a baby home. Therefore, I choose Korea for my first child.

If you are interested in a Korean adoption, this is what I know:  The support group is huge in Louisville, KY and elsewhere in the US. Korea has adopted to the US at a steady rate since the Korean war.  There was a lull in the 1988 after the Olympics focused on Korea adopting their children to Americans, which made Korea weary of how their nation was being perceived by the world.  The international adoption landscape is constantly changing, so what is rule today maybe obsolete tomorrow, but Korea has remained pretty stable.   I was told with confidence to expect an adoption process of 10-14 months, to expect a child that is 12-18 months old, and to expect a BOY!!! There are more male children available for adoption in Korea, so we are not allowed to specify gender, but to expect a male baby.  There are a couple of reasons  for the gender discrepancy: 1. Americans in general want Asian female children, so there are less little girls up for adoption.  2.  It was explained to us, in Korea there was a previous law that basically deemed children born into unwed situations as bastards.  The children were not allowed to attend college or move upwards in social status.  However, females were allowed to marry out of this status, but males remained held back.  Therefore, unwed moms would place baby boys into the Korean adoption system.  NOW, I’m sure this law was enacted when my Korean grandmother was herself a toddler and was roaming the streets of Seoul in her diapers. Nonetheless, this used to be the LAW and remnants of the stigma may still linger. 

These are my reasons for choosing an international adoption and specifically Korea for our first adoption.  I hope I brought light to any questions.  If you feel like you are a personal example in my story, and want me to delete anything, I will.  Just say the word!  There is no right way to parenthood.  Biological or adopted, foster care or adoption, domestic or international, it really doesn’t matter.   In the end, a child needs you to raise him and to give him a fair shot at this crazy world. So I close with this:  Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.  1 John 4:7

What we have been doing: Paperwork & Home Study visits

Well, what the heck have we, Dobson's, been doing since we signed the initial paperwork that officially declared us adopting???

Our little mountain of paperwork is slowly getting signed, but we have had a couple delays due to work and school.  Nick went off to Alaska for 3 weeks,  then had to go to Germany for a week, because of military orders.  While he was away, I was busy studying for the part 1 national dental boards exam.  After a month of pure craziness, we are happy to have Nick back in the USA, and I am ecstatic to announce that I PASSED the boards exam.  Last week, June 24th, was our first home study visit, and we are expecting the final home study visit around the second week of July.

So what kind of paper work is needed for the home study?? The very day we signed documents at our agency, Adoption Assistance, INC, we were assigned a case worker and emailed a packet to start working on.  Unfortunately, I thought a weekend would cover the amount of time needed for this packet.  It has been 6 weeks, and I still don't have everything in order.

The usual info is needed:  Addresses for the last 10 years, certified copies of marriage license and birth certificates ($50), list of monthly income and expenses, FBI checks (this is done by setting up finger prints at a UPS store, $50 per person), Kentucky State police check ($20 per person), and Kentucky child abuse & neglect check ($20 per person because of requesting records from the Administrators Office of the Courts).  Since Nick and I have lived in Texas and Arkansas we also needed national criminal checks which is done through Background Ferret.  You pay $70 for the two record checks, and they send you a dinky email with the results.

The words of wisdom I have to offer, which was learned the hard way:  PRINT OFF ALL RECORDS EMAILED TO YOU AS SOON AS YOU RECEIVE THEM.  Once you receive an email confirmation with results, make sure to print off the document. The FBI results expires in 30 days.  After the 30 day mark you will have to repay $50 for each person and go back to the UPS store for finger prints.  Luckily we knew to print off our FBI results ASAP, because we were burned by the Administrator Office of the Courts (AOC) record, which is needed to further submit a request of records for the Kentucky child abuse & neglect check.  The AOC record expires after two weeks.  So we were out an unnecessary $40, and the extra time it took for processing the request.

Having a physician is needed, because physicals are required.  I'm not sure if this is true for all adoptions, but if you are adopting from Korea, have a family doctor.  Nick didn't really have a family doctor, so it took a couple of weeks for a physician to squeeze Nick into the schedule.  Your medical history is documented which includes medications, a vision exam, current TB results, vaccinations, infertility issues, blood pressure, and basic blood work.  Korea is a little goofy, but not the only country to scrutinize over BMI, and metabolic conditions.  For example, it will be hard to impossible to adopt from Korea if you have diabetes....Even type 1 diabetes. I find this ridiculous, because type 1 has nothing to do with life style choices, but is an autoimmune issue usually in children.  Nonetheless, we got our physicals and we are healthy Dobson's.

I ran into an extra bump in the road when I disclosed my medications.  I happen to be on Trazodone for sleep problems.  Ever since I could remember, my brain doesn't shut off when I'm trying to count sheep...Instead, I toss & turn and never fall asleep and the next day I'm a grumpy twerp.  Being in dental school, I can't be a walking, talking zombie 24/7, so I decided to try prescription medication.  Trazodone has been a life saver.  I CAN SLEEP, PRAISE THE LORD!!!!   Trazodone works as a selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor (or, for non-medical folks, it was formally used in larger doses as an anti-depressant).  Anti-depressants are a red flag to Korea and I'm sure other countries.  Luckily, in my case the medication is set at a low dose and not prescribed for depression.  I'm currently having my physician write a letter explaining why the medication is prescribed, and my case worker said to have them state the letter "gently".  In short, I know Korea and China are weary of any diagnosis of depression, or the like.

While all the paperwork is underway, the home study visits are done.  I didn't know what to expect for the 1st visit, but my house has never been cleaner.  It is amazing what all gets clean when you think you are about to be judged on your domestic skills.  Ironically, the case worker didn't even go beyond my dining room.  She didn't see my newly cleaned kitchen cabinets.  The second home study visit is the meat & potatoes of the home study.  The first visit is to prepare you for the second visit, so hopefully she'll notice the cabinets the second time around.  For the upcoming visit, we are to have mainly common sense stuff ready, like a fire extinguisher on every level of the house, all the smoke detectors in working order,  and all medications placed in high places.  Nick and I will be interviewed separately about why we are adopting and prove that neither one of us are being forced to adopt.  We also have to be prepared to state who, in the tragic event of both of our deaths, would we have raise our child.  We were told that it's best for the designated couple be no more than 50 years older than the child.  My point, if you are going down the adoption route, be prepared to have several tough conversations with your spouse.

The goal for the final home study visit is to have all the documents ready to be submitted.  As of right now, we are on track for this goal.  In our first adoption process month,  I not only learned to quickly print off every document received, but also enlightened on my weaknesses.  I seem to want to go, go, go, and get discouraged when something doesn't get accomplished in one sitting. When it comes to adoption paperwork, there's a background check to be requested for the background check you are currently requesting...Everything takes time.  Nick continually reminds me to try to allow the process to be enjoyable. Even trying to remember all of our addresses we lived at when we have moved 5 times in the last four years because of the military, should still be an enjoyable occasion, because it means eventually we are getting a baby. Yes, we have argued while filling out documents, and it's really easy to fall into the trap of frustration.  I originally envisioned me taking the reigns and being this "Adoption Super Woman", but it turns out that Nick is better at completing the documents.  When I let him take the lead things get done.

In closing, I want to thank everyone for the overwhelming support and love.  I know adoption doesn't come with hormonal fluctuations of pregnancy, but I might cry close to the same amount as my preggo momma friends.  We have been deeply moved by all of you, and each motivating message brings me to blubbering tears.   For those of you looking to this blog as a way of gathering info for an adoption of your own, please let me know if I need to clarify anything for you.  Nick and I are newbies and still have a lot to learn, but want to connect resources together for everyone.   We ask for prayers for strength, perseverance and patience.  We just started a process that's expected to take 10-14 months, all the while our future little human is on our minds constantly.  I have felt moments of defeat this past month, because I just want to hurry up and fast forward to the part of us picking up our baby from the foster home.  But, I am reminded and grounded by Philippians 4:  Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Adoption Process: Day 1

Today was the official start date for the Dobson adoption.  I have already logged so many hours anticipating when the little one will be placed in my arms.  I think about when I get to be called mom for the first time.  I sometimes think about how we must be crazy, because I'm still in dental school, and maybe things would be more feasible once I'm a dentist and no longer a student.  Then I think about our baby, who might be on this earth right now, and how he/she can't wait to be home with us.  Nick and I have talked for months about our excitements, our fears, our hopes for the human being to be ours to raise. Finally, we decided to take the big leap in faith and declare our pursuit to becoming parents.  We signed an application with a local agency, Adoption Assistance, INC for a Korean baby adoption.

I have several hopes for this blog.  First, we are at the initial stage of the adoption process.  We have no idea what to expect, but a lot of paperwork to sign.  I want to document our journey, so we can reflect later on how insanely overwhelmed we were. Also, our story may help someone else wanting to build a family through adoption, but have no idea where to start.  Second, we didn't come to the idea of adoption over night.  We have had struggles with infertility.  This blog is not focused on infertility, but life after moving on from it, and growing as a person because of a reality for 1 in 6 couples.  I refuse to think the countless tears I've shed will go for nothing. My deepest hope is that I can help another couple finding themselves asking, "When is it our turn? When will we get to post our sonogram on Facebook (I used to hate sonograms)?  Did God forget about us?"  Nick and I have been in that dark place longer than I would like to think about, but the moment we refused to be bitter a second more, and realized there are so many orphaned children, we woke up declaring adoption is our way to parenthood.  Third, pursuing an adoption has been liberating, exciting and scary.  Finically, we are scared, but know God will provide.  Nick is a military pilot flying for the Kentucky Air National Guard.  I am half way through a four year program to be a dentist at the University of Louisville.   Until we began gathering information on adoption we didn't know how much it costs to save an orphan... It costs $25,000.  We are planning several fund raising events for our adoption & orphan care  and hope this blog with keep others informed that want to donate and those who want to keep us in their prayers.

To close my FIRST blog post on our FIRST day of baby Dobson's adoption, I would like to thank our little one's biological mom.  She might be pregnant, or already gave birth to our baby.  I pray she's not scared, I pray for her health, and I pray she has faith that God will help Nick and I give her baby the best life we can provide.  I doubt I will ever be able to tell her in person how appreciative I am that she is allowing us to have the experience of being parents.  Because she chose life, I get to be called momma, and I get to see Nick fulfill the role that God always intended, his role as a dad.

Please keep us in your prayers.  We are very excited, and hope you enjoy following our story.